I am What I think I am

I am many different things, to myself, and to others.  Just as you are.

I am what I think myself to be. I am who I feel I am. I am whatever I want to be. In any moment.

Mindfulness asks us to be in the moment and not to judge ourselves. Fine words.

We all have that red dog/black dog going on inside us, until we learn to turn down the noise. Sometimes the noise it too much and we’re forced to wonder ‘it this is it’?

We build up a persona about ourselves for others to look at.   We present a face to the world.  A face we’re happy for them to see. We’re different people here and there.

Sometimes you’d wonder if all these facets are speaking of the same person.

My lovely eldest brother David died some years ago and my family were gathered first at a Memorial Service where the great and good gathered to pay their respects. He’d been a captivating, charismatic man and a Colonel in the Royal Green Jackets,  awarded the Order of St John by the Queen. He was a man of many parts and many faces.

As my sister and I listened to his eulogies, we wondered if they were talking of the person we had loved and lost. But they were. They saw him differently. They saw the David he presented on any one day. It got me thinking.

How is it we have so many parts? What are we afraid of showing? Why can’t we ‘be’ the same to everyone?  Why do we feel we have to present ourselves differently in so many places and spaces?

It’s exhausting. And it makes things complicated. But we can simplify things.

I talk about Affirmations in my ‘Developing the Exam Mindset’ and ‘Introducing Mindfulness to your School ‘courses. Some see Affirmations as false. They say ‘How can you believe saying “I’m great’ will turn into something different….? ‘

I understand all that but then I think of the Law of Attraction.

Remember The Secret that came out some years back? It talked of the Law of Attraction – just one of the many Universal Laws you may want to check out.

I’ll try and make it relevant to the ‘I am’ topic.

We become what we think about. The more we think on something the more we become ‘it’ or attract it to us. So when we think ‘I am sad’ etc, inevitably that’s what we become, because that’s what we have put our thought onto.  The Law of Attraction (which is infallible) says you attract that which you think about. Period.

So, if that’s true, then when we think ‘ I am ……? ‘ then what we think about ourselves is more than likely the person we become. We think it into reality.

So, what you think about yourself confirms how you will present yourself to others.

Really, most of us rarely think this one through. We just are what we are and they can take us or leave us!

Many moons ago I remember having a conversation with my daughter about values. 

She was asking my opinion on something – if it was right or wrong, and she answered her own question when she said “I know what you’ll say here”. And she knew that because in all our lives together I had been consistently living my values. The ‘I am’ as a Mother to her was predictable.  She knew my values, standards and responses.

To my mind all this made things simpler. Once I’d decided ‘I am ….’ and what kind of person that was, I didn’t have many more struggles with decision making. It was a done deal.

If you were to ask any number of people now, they’d probably say similar things about me.

In fact, a while ago, I put this to the test (a little hesitantly).

I was encouraged by a course I was on to ask friends and colleagues for their feedback on my strengths – what I brought to the party! Interestingly everyone responded even if they did it with different eloquency.

Once I’d fallen off my chair at their positive comments, I  realised I WAS the same Geraldine to these people. They could count on me to be XYZ, and that was comforting, and fed by ego whilst I let it.

But how would that help me handle those wibbly ‘I am’ moments, when I felt less than supertastic?  It’s normal to fluctuate between feeling invincible and invisible!

So a while back I penned a few lines I call ‘I am’. I wrote it at work and a colleague saw it on my screen, demanded a copy and put it in her classroom. So much for staying invisible!

They are just a few words I can say to myself when I have a wibble wobble.

Sometimes simple is best. You don’t need the faff.

So knowing I’m consistent works for my ‘I am ….’ and when I’m wanting to throw my toys out of the pram, I just look up and read my reminder, there in front of me, on my pinboard.

Perhaps it’s egotistical having my words there. Perhaps it’s a safety net. No-ones decision but mine.  After all, I decide what I am in that moment.

Here are the words.

I am more than this. 

I am better than this. 

I am bigger than this. 

I am more than, and better than the person I am here. 

Only I have the power to be all I can be. 

Only I, here and now, can stop me from being my greatest. 

I choose more than this.  I choose a better way.  I am in the moment. 

And my moment is now.