Be your own Cheerleader. Believe in yourself

We’re all familiar with the young fit teenagers in ra-ra skirts shaking pompoms on the sidelines to whip up crowd support.  It might seem very un-British to some of us. But the concept has a place in our own support system.

Let me give you one of my heart wrenching stories.

Years ago, I was estranged from my lovely daughter. In no uncertain terms, she told me what she thought of me, and I was left shattered by her brutal honesty.

I had reared her and her brother on compassion, family, and the importance of feeling she belonged somewhere in our complex world.

It didn’t help that I was a struggling single parent with ideal values, trying to carve a working life whilst my teenagers tried to reach towards their own independent lives.

I needed her more than she needed me. And I was left reeling.

And then I came across Deepak Chopra.

The lesson

They say ‘When the servant is ready the master will appear’, and so it seemed to me.

The gist of one small paragraph I read struck me deeply.  I paraphrase the content:

If you depend on the love of others to make you feel worthy, complete and valuable, you’ll be lost and forever in a floundering ship of inadequacy and striving’ …

I took that to mean “get over yourself Geraldine. Job done. She’s independent, let her fly …’

It was just a moment of many when she questioned all I thought I stood for and she found me wanting.

I wasn’t the parent she wanted. She wasn’t the daughter I wanted.

So I had to learn to be complete without her. I had to learn to move forwards without her. Because with her in Thailand, intentionally distanced, I could no longer count on the emotional feelings of support I had unintentionally loaded on her.

Pushing through the lesson

‘I can’t be the daughter you want’ lives long in my memory.

‘Just because I’m your daughter doesn’t mean I love you’. That hurt!

I don’t share this to share the pain but to share the message it left with me and the way I then decided to live my life.

The shock made me pull up my own emotional drawbridge, and for a while I struggled with sharing my feelings with her brother and the rest of my family.

Until that is, I learnt how to be my own cheerleader. And the process isn’t easy.

Living as a single parent, with no co-habiting adults I have the best and worst of it. I have no-one to encourage me but no-one de-rail me either.  I am entirely at the mercy of my own thinking. And I know how that can throw me.

Being an island
The balance as I saw it, was to be ‘an island’ in as much as I didn’t need others’ opinions to feel worthy or complete, but I still needed somehow to feel connected (when I chose to) so I could  share and receive too.

Cheering yourself on means being self -reliant and trusting your instincts when others can’t give you the support you think you need or deserve.

Some people just don’t see what we need and aren’t well equipped to read the signs. Others just don’t pick up on the cues of our neediness.

The self-preservation in me reminds me to put myself in a nice pink bubble and love myself anyway, no matter what I’m getting back.

Time to lower the drawbridge

Of course at times, I have to let down the drawbridge and let others in or I’d end up being a recluse and of no value to anyone.

I’ve a friend who knows me so well, and laughingly rings me to ask ‘are you ready to come out to play?’. She knows I need periods of isolation in amongst interactions.

The quiet and distance now helps me process what coming together has taught me.

What I knew I needed to do once I’d got over the shock of separation was to recognise my periods of withdrawal from life and to give myself some love and encouragement despite it.

Isolation teaches us we need others to feel connected. 

Remember the hermit on the hilltop? What value is his enlightened singleness if he isn’t able to share it in some way and let that wisdom trickle down to the rest of us?

What I learned

When Anna separated herself from my need for her she helped me become more self-reliant.

• I stopped needing others to confirm their love
• I started doing for others because I wanted to, not expecting anything in return
• I loved and supported because it felt right, without wanting anything back

The mother-daughter relationship was impaired but not down and out. There was always hope, and I used many visual techniques to keep myself connected her, even though the calls, the letters, and the messaged had ceased.

Despite this huge personal chasm, I had to stay present, trying to find my best self in the gloom.

I had to pick out the best of my thoughts to listen to or I would have been a sorry mess.

I had to give mindspace to mainly positive feelings that helped me feel good about being a mum, sister, aunt, colleague and friend

Because if I hadn’t been my own cheerleader, I would have stayed floundering.

I’ve a thoroughly brilliant friend who now cites me as an example of God’s love, as I never gave up on Anna, and always kept hope in my heart.

Hope is the one emotion we need to keep close. I see it in our inmates-  once hope is lost, it’s hard to get back.

Viktor Frankl a survivor of the Holocaust said as much in his classic ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’. He understood about loss.

So if anything, I want to remind you of your own small voice.

How do you act as your own cheerleader?

• What do you let it say to you? What do you listen to?
• Are you reliant on others to make you feel good?
• Do you cajole others to give you the love and support you feel you need?
• Or can you look to yourself to give yourself that?
• Can you be what you need for yourself, and all else that comes a bonus?

Being your own cheerleader isn’t trivial. Learning to be self-reliant on our feelings and emotions is a big step. When we need others to give us what we feel we need we give away our power.

Neediness isn’t attractive. No-one wants to be thought of as the needy colleague or friend.

I know I’m a conundrum but I’ve learnt to know my strengths and rely on my own abilities to be the person I need to be.

I can happily be an island but I can lower the drawbridge when I want to.

Invites only though. I need to pace myself!