Gossip and grievances
When we feel disgruntled, ignored, unappreciated, misunderstood and disappointed, its human nature to share our upset. But in our work environment this can be toxic.
It’s all too easy for others with similar festering emotions to be attracted to such low energy.
All this does is built into a crescendo of ‘behind the scenes’ gossip. And in a culture that isn’t designed or equipped to deal with discontent, such events can be major.
I’ve personally been accused of spreading malicious lies and the hurt runs deep. I had to question my whole behaviour around the situation (and temper my response with care) so that I didn’t add to the grievance that colleague felt in the moment.
Hard stuff to handle, and all too easy to get sucked into. It’s natural to want to defend ourselves and the volume and ferocity of that often doesn’t end well.
It’s human nature to want to share our feelings with others, but there’s obviously a time and place for all of this. And your HR system will have set channels if you really feel you need to push a perceived feeling.
I’d ask you to consider your motive and your justification.
And here a story on how I use Mindfulness in my place of work.
A personal view on handling grievances
Some time ago we had 6 colleagues resign in a short 6 week period. Some had excellent reasons for moving on, but over half felt unable to work with and under certain colleagues.
They had justified their feelings (spoken in depth and with antagonistic emotion) to anyone who they felt would agree with them. In other words, they fanned the flames or discontent and took up others in their path.
It’s not uncommon for one to become 2 and then a snowball effect. And it left me in no great surprise.
What surprised me was the inability of these intelligent teachers to think beyond themselves.
I was asked to ‘join them’ and add my weight to the growing grievance.
My answer was simple but earnest.
- I didn’t feel that disharmony and discontent would solve the issue. I felt that outside judgement removed those involved from any reconciliation and was not the solution.
- I felt that thinking well of someone, believing that good would prevail, continuing to talk to people from a common ground and believe in their ability to be their best selves around me, was the solution.
In fact in all the years (12) that I have worked there, I have not experienced any continued issues, and I rarely have any challenges from Prisoners either.
I am sure my Mindful approach has much to bear on how I pass through my working day!
But sometimes to move forward we have to work backwards, so let’s go back to basics.
Most of us feel aggrieved if we are not appreciated, and feel ignored and misunderstood. We need to feel respected.
At the risk of alienating you, I want to bring up the thorny question of Ego. We often use ego in relation to others –
“they have a big ego”
“they talk too much”
“they love themselves”
But often this is just us wanting to feel better, cleverer, and more effective than them. Somehow, we decided that someone is ‘above themselves’.
- When did we get to be better than anyone else?
- Who are we to think we deserve more?
- Who are we to want to change others’ opinions!
We know this is impossible. And all the research on thinking will tell us that
the problem is not the problem
Whatever problem you ‘think’ you have with a colleague, the problem lies in how you think about the problem.
Wayne Dyer says “When you change how you look at things, the things you look at change….”
So think about how you view a challenging colleague.
Energies of thought
If you’re able to think more positively about them and around them, them you may find the energies between you will improve.
Energies are like rolling stones. Have a negative thought and it will snowball, drawing to you like minded moaners who will join your crusade.
What if you changed how you saw them and viewed things in a better, more harmonious light?
You might find you thought differently around them and had raised expectations. So send more positive thoughts their way and stop judging them and finding them wanting.
In thinking poorly, you just attract more of the same and it’s little wonder that once started, this spiral of discontent escalates.
You can change all of that, by thinking well.
The problem isn’t that they are not as great as you’d like them to be but that you’re seeing them in a cloud of dissatisfaction.
- So could you drop the need for them to live up to the version of themselves you’d like them to be?
- Could you find a way of viewing the relationship in a way that causes you less discomfort?
Moaning isn’t courageous and individuals shouldn’t become the dumping ground for accumulated upset and grievances.
It won’t end well for anyone.
Why would you let anyone else have a say in how you think about your colleagues when you can change much of your experience around them by changing how you think?
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