Nature versus Nurture - a family story

A while ago my son came to live with me when he lost his job, flat and partner.

The whole world was going through Covid complications and I felt the turmoil too as I started sharing my single space with him.

It’s hard to see someone you love going through upset and struggling to cope with change. Covid was changing the lives of so many in unexpected ways too.

I learnt many lessons in my own little sphere of life.  About myself, about him, our interactions, hopes, beliefs and ways of seeing the world.

We’re very different individuals.  I’m contemplative, go with the flow, accepting, seeing purpose and reason in life’s unfolding.

Tom’s a worrier. He sees problems before they occur. Is overwhelmed by change and struggles to deal with paperwork and extended responsibilities.

I knew I should not try and impose my life view on him. But to keep consistent and positive in my support, as he moved day by day through a range of reactions to his personal trauma.

I learnt to trust in Father Time to heal without inflicting my own set view of self management.

Somehow I understood that trying to mould his thinking to mine wasn’t the solution. That the best thing was to give him time to find his way without adding family stress to the situation.

It required a heap of patience on my part and a lot of love.

How do you put a time on how long it takes to recover from deep unsettling?

I knew it wasn’t going to be a quick fix, but my space felt the right place for him to be still and safe and supported.  Even if he was nearly 40 and back home with Mum.

So we’re 6 months in now and we’ve found a way to co-exist.

Rather than know what job he aspires to, he’s always taken the route of trying things and then dismissing them as a no-go. But his one consistent has been fork lift driving.

He likes the self directed warehouse environment of man and machine and I’ve no doubt something will turn up. Just as he is showing up more in his day and not just trudging through.

The whole period has taught be that progress is the solution. The moving forward and allowing.

I’ve seen too much sad fallout when you resist what life throws up. And I could have thrown out my stock solutions, but how would that have helped?

We all have to come to our own way of managing life. To make our own choices. When we’re moulded into others’ ways for us , cracks appear – I see it at HMP.

Sometimes we just have to ditch our own rule book for a while.  We can’t apply it to anyone else – those are OUR values and way of looking at life.

Once we appreciate that everyone is the product of both their personality and environment, we’re on a winner. It’s the old nature/nurture question.

In my view you can nurture anything given a sound appreciation of why it matters and how to make it fit.

What’s your view on it?